Where are my fellow overthinkers at? This one’s for you. It’s also for the ones that have unintentionally been the victims of our overthinking.
So a question each for both parties. Have you ever tried really hard to explain how you feel, but your partner just keeps missing the point or refuses to acknowledge the depth of the hurt…. or even thinks that it’s unreasonable for you to feel as deeply as you do on a topic as, excuse the word, frivolous?
On the other hand, have you tried really hard to understand a point of view of a person but still cannot seem to grasp why it would affect them so much?
True story? I know exactly how you both feel because I’ve been on both sides – and it’s never pretty. Fortunately though, I do feel like the experiences have taught me something about myself and maybe humans in general and here I am, hoping I can do the same for you and maybe help avoid a little bit of conflict.
So jumping right in – from what I understand, there are a few basic human factors that affect how you perceive or receive communication from your partner or even people in general and i’m going to break these down for you:
Insecurity and self worth issues:
Stings a little when you read it like that, doesn’t it? But here’s the thing, if you constantly find yourself arguing about the same topics and asking the same questions as you did last week and getting frustrated, maybe you’re talking too much about how you feel and not enough about exploring why you feel it. A person in your past hurt you deeply or betrayed you. As a result, now you keep all your relationships on a short leash and any action that can remotely hint at a similar outcome has become your trigger. Giving benefit of doubt isn’t your nature anymore and that leads to projecting your issues on the other person. So maybe instead of telling them that they hurt you, maybe tell them why you feel that they hurt you. Being vulnerable is difficult, but it is also an important foundation on which relationships are built.
Trying to use the same scale to measure everyone:
“If I can understand it, why can’t you?” One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life is using this line while communicating. You need to understand that people are different and are shaped by different circumstances. That doesn’t invalidate their past any more than it does yours.There could be issues that make them feel hurt, which might feel ridiculous to you and vice versa. And this is right where you practice sensitivity, when empathy fails you.
The answer you seek v/s the answer you need:
Alright, so it all comes down to this. This is what took weeks for me to realize…and from what I’ve spoken to people… it’s as common as common gets. Given that a person is logical, kind, sensible and intelligent in a general scenario and doesn’t raise red flags in terms of narcissism and such (basically not toxic), there comes a time to understand and accept a simple fact. You might never get the answer you want. And this is because of two reasons:
One – maybe the person isn’t capable of providing you with that answer. This does not mean that the said person is bad or is not trying. For all you know they’re trying extremely hard. It just means that people have different thresholds and it takes time for them to grow. This, in no way means that they don’t care. It just means it is unrealistic to expect the same level of expressive behaviour as you or someone you dated in the past. That’s not realistic and, honestly, a little unfair.
Second – The “right” answer does not exist. Let me give some perspective from my own experience. In an argument, I’d ask the same question every few days. I’d just frame it differently and tell myself I was doing it to make it easier for the other person to understand my point of view. But here’s what I was unwilling to accept. They already did. They were just not giving me the answer that I wanted to hear – That I was right and they weren’t. And the funny thing is they never could because whatever they said would never be as good as what was in my head.
The thing to understand and accept here is that “right and wrongs” are subjective. They are a matter of perception in a lot of cases and to expect a person to simply accept something because we see it a certain way makes us wrong. It made me wrong.
You can disagree and still respect each other’s points of view. Here’s something important to remember – It’s not a battle, just a discussion.
So the crux is this, my fellow millennial in love – As long as the person acknowledges that you felt bad and tries to have an open discussion about it with you. As long as you’re willing to accept that your “rights” can be different and just as valid. And -most importantly – as long as both of you are willing to find a way to work together…you should be just fine.
So go out there and keep lovin’.
Until next time….
The Millennial Cult